a previous post, which seems to have attracted the attention of a number of readers, was devoted to the terrible experiences of the "night of faith, of inner emptiness, a total absence sense of God's presence, to the impossibility pray, has known and proven Mother Theresa, and that for decades. Nothing in his face bright, full of joy in his dedication to the poorest of the poor and that was for so many people, believers or not, the world an immense source of comfort and consolation, could hint torment, despair itself, she lived, and of the letters written (in English) to some of his relatives who were long kept secret. So I bought for you and for me, the book in which they were published, Mother Teresa, Come Be My Light, The Private Writings Of The "Saint of Calcutta , (edited and commented by Brian Kolodiejchkuk, MC, Doubleday, New York, 2007).
Of these letters, here's the most remarkable and most heartbreaking (I have not changed the punctuation that seem strange or somewhat chaotic style of the author. His language was not English, but the Albanians): A
Loreto, dear Father, I was very happy - the happiest of all nuns, I think. - Then came the call. - Our Lord asked me directly - the voice was clear and full of conviction. - Still, he asked me in 1946. I knew it was Him. Fear and feelings terrible - lest I be the victim of an illusion. - But I had always lived in obedience - I presented the whole situation to my spiritual father - hoping all the time he would tell me that it was an illusion of the devil, but not - as the voice told me it is Jesus who asks - and then, you know, everything was successful. My superiors sent me to Asansol in 1945 - and there, as if the Lord gave to me, completely. The sweetness and consolation and union of these six months, but they disappeared too soon.
Then the work began - in December 1948. - By the year 1950, increase the number of sisters - the work increased.
Now, Father, for 49 or 50, this terrible sense of loss - this incredible darkness - this loneliness - this longing for God constantly - that gives me pain deep in my heart. Darkness is such that I do not really see anything - neither with my mind nor with my reason. - The place of God is empty. - There is no God in me. When the suffering of aspiration is too great - I aspire, aspire only to God - and then what I feel is that He does not want me - He is not here. - Paradise - souls - why do it here for me - words that mean nothing to me? My real life seems so contradictory. I help souls - to where? Why all this? Where is my soul be mine? God does not want me. - Sometimes, just hear my heart cry - "My God" and nothing else comes. - The torture and suffering, I can not explain them. - Since my childhood I felt the most tender love for Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament - but this, too, disappeared. - I feel nothing in front of Jesus - and yet I shall not want for anything the Holy Com. [Communion].
You see, Father, the contradiction in my life. I wish to God - I love him - love him a lot - living only for love of him - only love - and yet there is that the sentence - the aspiration but no love.
[...]
All these things were so natural to me before - until Our Lord comes entirely in my life. - I loved God with all forces of a child's heart. It was the center of everything I was doing and saying. - Now, Father, everything is so dark, so different, yet all that is mine is to him - despite the fact that he does not want me, He does not care about me. When work began
- I knew what that meant. - But I accepted everything with all my heart. - I made only a prayer - give me the grace to give the Saints to the Church.
My Sister, Father, are the gift that God gives me, they are sacred to me - each of them. That's why I love them - more than I love myself. - They are a huge part of my life.
My heart and my soul belong to God alone - He dismissed as an unwanted child of His Love. And with that, I made this resolution in this retreat;
Being at his
be it from me as He wants, as He wants, as long as he wants. If my darkness is light to some soul - even if they do nothing for anyone - I am happy parfaiteùent - to be a flower in God's field [p. 209-212]
Many spiritual and theological comments were given to the significance of these events until the seventeenth century was called "drought inland - in particular, for reporting to the night of faith, night view, night of the mind, in St. John of the Cross. My purpose here is not to analyze, much less to judge their relevance or truth. Besides, who could? With all what these letters reveal grandeur, nobility and heroism, perhaps another time - a world before ours - they are sufficient unto themselves.
As seen, the goodness - and who can doubt that Mother Teresa was an unforgettable figure of human kindness? - Is something infinitely more profound and complex, perhaps even tragic, that the idea of it usually. Nothing, in any case that is purely and simply a matter of "good feelings" that we can ridicule and mock the name of some naive impulses of man compassionate and falling of sentimentality.
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